The Diary of A Survivor
By Stacey Lunsford
I was cleaning out my desk and found my old journal from 1995, it is filled with my laughter, my tears, my hurts, my pains, my strengths, my weaknesses, my failures and my accomplishments. It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord moves in our lives. I have been dealing with the hurts of the past and this journal holds the bulk of those pains. I am angry right now and instead of remaining there and allowing things to escalate, I am diffusing my anger by releasing my emotions through each keystroke that I am making. It is good that I found the book because I see very clearly that I need to bring closure to a lot of things today! As I began to read, about the death of my daughter, the tears begin to flow like the Niagara Falls. We were in premarital counseling; when I made the decision to stop have relations with Carl. Of course he didn't like that but he had no choice...I was trying to abide by the rules and more importantly I wanted to please God and not him. Shortly after this, I found out that I was pregnant with his second child. He told me that he didn't want another baby and I cried.
We had a bad argument and he abused me verbally, mentally and emotionally. He did and said everything that he could to upset me and I began to have abdominal pains. I called my Dr. and he advised me to get off of my feet and to rest. My pain got worst and I began to spot and had to be rushed to the hospital. During my ultrasound, the nurse left the room and came back with the doctor. Fetal demise, my daughter did not have a heartbeat. Alone because Carl refused to accompany me to the hospital, I cried until I had no more tears to cry. They sent me home and told me that I had to schedule a D&E with my doctor. Two days later, I never made it to my appointment because my water broke and the blood was flowing like a river. I called Carl and again he refused to accompany me to the hospital. He opted to baby-sit instead and left me waiting in a puddle of blood while he took his time getting to my house. In excruciating pain and alone on the table, I called on the Lord. Father, I realize that I am alone on this table once again and I understand that I am going to be alone when I get off of this table. I feel like giving up but Cedric & Brandon need me, so help me to be strong. The nurse came in to check on me and I panicked, as she examined me, the fetus came out and she left me alone in the room and said that she would be back. Crying uncontrollably, I realized that the only comfort that I was going to receive tonight was from the Lord. Father, thank you for being here with me, You said that you would never leave me nor forsake me and I thank you for teaching me that I can trust you!
Pain increased again and I pushed the call button but nobody came. Alone, I delivered the placenta right on the table and blood clots kept coming and wouldn't stop. The nurse came and they rushed me into the operating room and performed a D&E to ensure that everything was evacuated and to stop the bleeding, 3:30pm the next day, they discharged me. I called my mother to pick me up and she arrived with my children and surprisingly Carl came along with them. Why is this happening to me? It wasn't supposed to be this way Lord, why is he here now? I don't need him now, I needed him last night!
Eye Opener #1
Father God in the name of Jesus, I approach you again in prayer. I glorify you that my victory and my ability to walk pleasing before you has been provided by your grace. I thank you for this moment and I thank you for letting me release all of the hurt, the pain and the bitterness that I failed to released when I lost my daughter.
Father please forgive me for my attitude, my behavior and even for the anger that I still feel towards Carl. I commit the entire situation into your hands and I thank you Father for releasing me today, from this pain. Father, in the name of Jesus, please bless me with a forgiving spirit! Please forgive Carl for the way that he mistreated me and enable me today to cut the emotional cord that has kept me connected to him, the pain and hurt that he has caused me, in the name of Jesus. Father, what do you want me to learn from this situation today?
Ephesians 4:32, Be kind and compassionate to one another forgiving each other!
Eye Opener #2
Stop holding grudges. When someone does me wrong I must FORGIVE and love them anyhow. When I do somebody wrong, I must acknowledge my faults and apologize to them. If I take the first step, God will do the rest. My life is in your hands Lord. Please lead me in the direction that you will have me to go today and the rest of my life, in the name of Jesus. Thank you Father for freeing me from my painful past. I thank you that I am free to close the door and to move on, in the name of Jesus. Free to run to my destiny, the life that you have prepared for me, in the name of Jesus. Thank you Father for the tears that you have collected today and thank you for loving me and for touching the depths of my very soul tonight, in Jesus Christ name I humbly submit this prayer with thanksgiving in my heart. Amen for the Father, Amen for the Son, Amen for the Holy Spirit!
Praise & Worship Songs That I Sang
Worthy is the Lamb
Didn't my Lord deliver Daniel?
Come to Jesus while you still have time
I come to the garden alone
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