He Loves Me, But He Hurts Me
By Stacey Lunsford
Everyday women are told but I love you by the men that abuse them.
Everyday women are told I'm sorry; I wont do it again,
please forgive me.
Everyday women forgive their abusers and the good part of their relationship, the honeymoon, (you know, the kiss and make up part) is revisited and things "appear" to good for a while; I like to call it deception perfected.
"Deception Perfected" is the fantasy stage of an abusive relationship where the woman that is being abused, holds on to the good things, the happy times of the earlier stages of the relationship where her partner was loving, gentle and kind and she pretends, "acts" like everything is okay when it's not okay, (you know, the part where she knows the truth, ignores it and accepts the lie granting her partner (abuser) permission to keep her bound in the merry-go-round of deception.
Deception is an act, trick, or device intended to deceive or mislead somebody. It's to deliberately make somebody believe something that is not true. Those who practice the art of deception are very crafty. Genesis 3:1, Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"
Ephesians 6:10-12, Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Both the Abuser and the Abusee are walking in deception, the blind leading the blind and they are both in denial. Denial is to refuse to believe in something or admit that something exists. The Abuser knows that he has a problem but pride wont let him acknowledge it and fear paralyzes him, stops him from asking for help, so he ignores it; hopes that it will go away but it doesn't it get's bigger, it get's uglier and it get's nastier...sometimes it results in death.
The Abusee knows that she has a problem and she is with him because she doesn't want to deal with her problem and all along she knows that he has a problem...but because he loves her, she accepts his problems into her life, adopting them as her own, nurturing them, in return they weaken her and she continues to accept his love, because in accepting his love, she is covering up her on own issues, her own inadequacies, her low-self-esteem, and we expect their children to live happy, normal and productive lives....deception perfected, is tearing homes apart!
Is it his fault or is it her fault? I don't care whose fault it is, this is not an opportunity to fault find; BUT THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO BRING REAL "SOUL"TIONS TO THE TABLE FOR BOTH THE VICTIMS AND THE ABUSERS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. The purpose of this correspondence is to provide information that will empower you to help somebody get the help that they need, to encourage you to save a life, to rescue a child (the shattered pieces) the residue of broken homes, the results of domestic violence. Abusive behavior is a learned behavior and it can be changed to positive behavior! Are you willing to learn what it's going to take to bring forth change? Are you willing to make a sacrifice? You know give up something for the sake of something or someone else? Isn't that what Jesus did?
We love to say that it takes a village to raise a child and I say that it's time for the villagers to come together, in love, in peace, in perfect harmony and lift up our voices on one accord because there's a child out there somewhere that is waiting for us to sound the alarm! There's a child somewhere silently crying for help; maybe he or she is in your classroom, your Sunday School class, your football or basketball team, a neighbor, a relative or maybe it's you, help is available!!!
Are you willing to look beneath the surface and see that hurt people, hurt people but healed people help hurt people? Both the Abuser and the Abusee, are in desperate need of help? Are you survivor of domestic violence? Would you like to share your story? Are you are an ex-abuser and have a word of deliverance in your mouth? Are you willing to lend a helping hand?
Both the Abuser and the Abusee have problems, "root issues" that he/she doesn't know how to deal with and in ignorance (my people perish for lack of knowledge) he takes his frustrations out on his partner. I'm not making excuses, neither am I condoning abusive behavior but I am trying to shed light on an area that many people simply don't understand! The only way the hurt is going to stop is to break the silence.
In breaking the silence and uniting together, we can make a difference!
If you need someone to talk to,
I am here for you
If you need a safe place to go,
Help is available to you
The Philadelphia Domestic Violence Hotline
1-866-SAFE-014
1-866-723-3014
National Hotline For Domestic Violence
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
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